It's all about the experiences not about the things

So this is something I don't talk about (if ever here) earlier this year I started to go to a weekly small group for Young Adults at my local Gilda's Club. This last week we started talking about things & I let everyone in on my past as a CRAZY shopaholic (Ok to be truthful I still love to shop but not like i did pre-cancer) Oh to spend the whole day at the Target (evil red price stickers)  or at the Mall just buying Aiden anything his little heart could ever want. Then when I first got cancer when I was having a good day I would be at it again buying whatever would help Aiden though my sickness. But then as I got well I the joy of the hunt became less and less. Like I brought up in my small group this week I had went to a conference at the end of my treatment where the speaker talked about how when she was going thought treatment she would buy her kids EVERYTHING they wanted because she worried she wouldn't be able to win over cancer & if her kids had all these things they would remember her a lot more then if she had not gotten all these things. That is when it hit me. I was getting all these things so that Aiden would remember me when really I just need to stop & have experiences with him as he would remember those a lot better. That is why when people ask me what I want I have such a hard time. Just today my mom was asking what is something I would like & I just can't think of anything that would really make me happy other then just more time with my family. Maybe that is why I spend so much time talking about Camp Kesem, I want every child who has had to deal with the crap Aiden has had to deal with to for just week be a kid... a kid who jumps off a boat, a kid who learns the most crazy songs, a kid who is not called by their real name for a whole week but picks up a camp name like SuperDog, No-Name, Boots, Blue Ranger, .... The list could out on. We have been OVERLY blessed by Camp Kesem & I don't think we would be doing as well as we are without it. You can check out more here http://campkesem.org/ But I also plan on making a post (I am shocked I have not already done one.

later this month I will go in for my year 2 1/2 check up with CT & Blood work. Part of me can't wait but another part of me wishes I never had to go back. Really the only thing I want more then Experiences is for CANCER to be GONE ... let it DIE & BURN IN HELL

Sunday at the Lake

(This post was written almost 2 months ago, but I keep forgetting to post it)

** Warning - this post is heavy with Cancer fears/feelings  **

As I sit on the shore of one of the thousands of lakes in MN I am just reminded just how great God is & how amazing of a life I have had (and still have to live).  It's 7:30am & almost everyone is still asleep after staying up far past 11pm last night. I am just enjoying the sounds of the birds & even cooler the MN State bird the Loon. Sadly it rained a little bit so I can't go sit on the dock with out getting super wet. As I sit in & enjoy the MN summer sounds I find myself wondering/ thinking "did I ever let the fear of death from cancer ever really hit me when I was in chemo like I fear it now" I feel like the threat is more real now then it was before. Is it because I am more open to the knowledge or is it I was in such a fog that I really didn't even know anything other then what I did (or had do to) every day ... that was LIVE , LIVE for God, Live for Chris, Live for Aiden. I mean truly I lived everyone but not for everyday. I also seemed to live for everyone else but never myself.

So Facebook showed a photo from me of two  years ago where I had no hair ... just a little bold girl with my family who loved me so much. I smiled but was a really Happy or was I just smiling to make other feel good? To tell you the truth I really don't remember, it was truly a fog. One that I kinda wish I could remember so that I can help other. Talking about hair I am so happy to do the simple thing of pulling it all back in a ponytail (yes the simple small stuff) but now when I see hair in my brush I have flash back to when I first saw that after I first started to get chemo. The proof was real... It was in my hand I was truly sick.

Now I have been sick my whole life, I always had something off about me but this was different This was truly something the whole world could see not just those that know me or those who had seen my work. It is odd when someone can see you are sick but not really sure why.  I mean for most people who known me they would not know my story. The story how I never crawled & because of this I have fewer mussels in my eyes that others, so simply taking notes in class is harder then others. They would not see that I suck at spelling & if it was not for computers with spell check I don't think I would get as far as I have. the fact that I sometimes zone out & it's not that I don't care it's just that my brain needs a little brake & goes off in t's own little happy place.

----- This is where the original post stopped ----

I wish I could find a way to end this post but I really don't know what my next thoughts were so instead of making something up I think I will just leave you all hanging :) But know this I am in seeking the help I need to make me feel whole. Part of my healing I am keep mostly to my family but by this time next month I hope to share more about what is going on or should I say were I just was.

For those who are going though Cancer I pray that you will find the help you need in the moment so that you don't feel like you are only living for your family & friends but you can live for yourself.

What "Relay" means to me"

When I think about the word "relay" I think about cheering on others as it takes a team to run a relay race, everyone has to do their part. Pre-October 2013 when I thought about Relay For Life I looked at it as the one "racing" is the one with Cancer and the "cheering team mates" are those supporting them, making sure THEY could fight "THEIR" battle. But now since joining (the Team no one wants to be part of) "Team Cancer" I have learned that relay is like the two change roles, Cheering team are now the ones running the race and the one with cancer is cheering on their friends & family.

I know personally the 2nd lap of Relay of Life where Chris, Aiden, & my Mom joined me at the Relays I was part of last year was way more more meaning then the first lap were it's just for survivors.

This year I will be leading a team with my friend & Co-Survivor Robyn at Relay for Life of Greater Minneapolis in less then 2 weeks. Our team is called Wonder Twins :) as we are both proud to say we are Hodgkin Lymphoma Survivors. Everyone is welcome to join our little team. True I should have posted this a few weeks ago in hopes of higher team count & money donation but I am so bad at asking people to give up of their money & time for me.

So now I come to you in hopes that Team Wonder Twins can rise from the ground up and help in the fight Cancer, Lets FIND a END!!!!

If you would like to help please click on the link below and I mean it when I say all are welcome to join our team (even if it's only for part of the night).

Be Part of Team Wonder Twins

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong...

STRONG, such a small word for something with such a big meaning. It can mean from being able to lift heavy things to simply being able to smile when your world is falling apart. Last night around 9:45pm as I was about to make a get away to Target (yes the "evil" bulls-eye store, it's so peaceful there at night) ... anyway back to last night. So as I was just thinking about walking out the door Guess who thought it would be a good idea to come to Mommy & Daddy's bed ... YEP Sir little pants :) So he climbed into bed (were I had been planning out my trip in my head & watching TV) gives me the BIGGEST bear hug ever & falls asleep on the right of me, making me pickle in the middle as Chris was on the left, this was also a sign that I would not be going to Target as I had planned. True I could have carried him back to his bed like I had done so many times before, but I don't know what it is with that kid (or really any kid I know) once asleep they gain a good 5 lbs per years they have been on this plant, Plus every time I tired to move him he would make the funniest face & sound. SO I just let him be & snuggled in my new found spot on the bed. I quickly fell asleep until 2:22pm.. I don't know what happened at that time but I woke up and started thinking about the happens over the past 2 years. The Loss of may things but one thing that hit me hardest last night was the loss of my dear Aunt. How she loved the song "On Eagle's wings", the line "He will lift you up on Eagle's wings" just means so much & reminds me how much God loves us and how much he picks/holds us up. So well thinking of her this came into my heart

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong, I just known I had to be. 

 This simple line means so much, I mean is anyone ever asked if the want to be strong, or how strong do you want to be? ... we just know we have to be. I know that not only did I have 1 Amazing God holding me up but I also had 1 crazy little boy, a caring husband, family & friends helping me to stay strong. But I also known I had to stay strong for them so it was a loop of support.

So as I want thought my day today thinking about that line, my Aunt, & everyone in my life I am still in amazed at what has happened.

I pray that everyone can find their own "Support Loop"

I leave you with a song from VBS a few years back that Aiden still loves & I feel fits well in here

The feeling of Guilt

Is it to odd to feel guilty that I am well & others are not? I know I have talked about survivor guilt before and how that is all normal but for some reason just a few moments ago well I was washing my hands I had an overwhelming feeling that I should not be here, I should be ill in a bed or sitting in the chair on the 3^rd floor of the U of M.  Intend I was at my work washing my hand just working & living as nothing happened to me. I am even getting emotional sitting at my desk typing this hoping no one walks over & sees me. It’s been over a year since Treatment has finished & my health has been ok (not super great but better). I am just lost in a fog I don’t know how I will get thought the next few hours. If I could I would love to leave work right now. Then I would go to Aiden & Chris just so I could hold them and maybe that would remind me that everything OK.

God dose work in Crazy ways. So as I am writing this my phone keeps going off saying I have a new Text message. I was kind of ignoring it at first but then when I looked at it I was SHOCKED at what I saw J I had 4 Text saying some one was praying for me. I know I am never fighting alone or Standing alone God has put in army of angels to fight for me and to Stand with me when things get hard.

Lord I pray this simple message will help someone today. To the person who feels alone, Please know you are NEVER alone please know that God is always here & so am I if you need someone to talk with. 

7 days until Cancer nerds Unite

I have to thank a co-worker for that title :)

So I have started this blog post a few days ago but kept getting busy with life so this was put aside, BUT now is the time I will finish this post well on my lunch.

Well as I talked about on my last post I had my 9 month check up test on last Friday & had the follow up apartment on Tuesday. So the results are in & I am in the CLEAR. Is it odd to say that part of me still "feels" sick? or like I still wonder/fear the little evil thing inside of me is still inside of me? I know they say Cancer is like a Monkey on your back, no matter how much the drs & test say you are good you still worry about it will come back at any time.

BUT in OTHER NEWS ....7 days until Cancer nerds Unite at CancerCon 2015 :) I really can't wait to be around others "like me", Other whom have a super power of fighting Cancer, others whom know the pain of being given drugs that hurt a little bit but help a whole lot, other whom know how short life can be, others whom have WON ( and those still fighting), others whom will not wonder what the scare on your chest it for or why your hair is so odd.

Well my lunch is coming end so I guess that means this post will come to a end, I can't say for sure if I will post before I leave but trust me this blog will be getting more activity soon.

Until then God Bless you & whatever comes your way.

9 months post chemo

WOW I can't believe it's been 9 months since I had been sitting in the chemo chair getting pumped with drugs. Since then I am been busy living, I want back to work full time, still as busy as can be at church, and in 2 weeks I will be traveling to Denver for Cancer Con (put on by StupidCancer.org).

I would be lying if I said it's all been sunshine & roses, the road to heath has been a hard one (more emotional then physical). On the outside I look great my hair is coming back (darker then before but that is for a another post), I am able to work full 40 hours (still working on regaining my Focus), I am starting to work out (not like before but close). The part that I am having a hard time with making up for lost time and sometimes when I am in an area with large groups I often feel sad & withdrawn. Case in point this weekend we were at a large Easter Egg Hunt & I known I should be happy and thankful to be alive, but I guess I just sometimes have to fake it (or put on a "happy face" to cover my sadness). I guess this is what they call survivor guilt, I know with time I will get past this & I am hoping that going to CancerCon will help with these feelings.

Well best get going for now , until next time remember You are NEVER alone.