Sunday at the Lake

(This post was written almost 2 months ago, but I keep forgetting to post it)

** Warning - this post is heavy with Cancer fears/feelings  **

As I sit on the shore of one of the thousands of lakes in MN I am just reminded just how great God is & how amazing of a life I have had (and still have to live).  It's 7:30am & almost everyone is still asleep after staying up far past 11pm last night. I am just enjoying the sounds of the birds & even cooler the MN State bird the Loon. Sadly it rained a little bit so I can't go sit on the dock with out getting super wet. As I sit in & enjoy the MN summer sounds I find myself wondering/ thinking "did I ever let the fear of death from cancer ever really hit me when I was in chemo like I fear it now" I feel like the threat is more real now then it was before. Is it because I am more open to the knowledge or is it I was in such a fog that I really didn't even know anything other then what I did (or had do to) every day ... that was LIVE , LIVE for God, Live for Chris, Live for Aiden. I mean truly I lived everyone but not for everyday. I also seemed to live for everyone else but never myself.

So Facebook showed a photo from me of two  years ago where I had no hair ... just a little bold girl with my family who loved me so much. I smiled but was a really Happy or was I just smiling to make other feel good? To tell you the truth I really don't remember, it was truly a fog. One that I kinda wish I could remember so that I can help other. Talking about hair I am so happy to do the simple thing of pulling it all back in a ponytail (yes the simple small stuff) but now when I see hair in my brush I have flash back to when I first saw that after I first started to get chemo. The proof was real... It was in my hand I was truly sick.

Now I have been sick my whole life, I always had something off about me but this was different This was truly something the whole world could see not just those that know me or those who had seen my work. It is odd when someone can see you are sick but not really sure why.  I mean for most people who known me they would not know my story. The story how I never crawled & because of this I have fewer mussels in my eyes that others, so simply taking notes in class is harder then others. They would not see that I suck at spelling & if it was not for computers with spell check I don't think I would get as far as I have. the fact that I sometimes zone out & it's not that I don't care it's just that my brain needs a little brake & goes off in t's own little happy place.

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I wish I could find a way to end this post but I really don't know what my next thoughts were so instead of making something up I think I will just leave you all hanging :) But know this I am in seeking the help I need to make me feel whole. Part of my healing I am keep mostly to my family but by this time next month I hope to share more about what is going on or should I say were I just was.

For those who are going though Cancer I pray that you will find the help you need in the moment so that you don't feel like you are only living for your family & friends but you can live for yourself.

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong...

STRONG, such a small word for something with such a big meaning. It can mean from being able to lift heavy things to simply being able to smile when your world is falling apart. Last night around 9:45pm as I was about to make a get away to Target (yes the "evil" bulls-eye store, it's so peaceful there at night) ... anyway back to last night. So as I was just thinking about walking out the door Guess who thought it would be a good idea to come to Mommy & Daddy's bed ... YEP Sir little pants :) So he climbed into bed (were I had been planning out my trip in my head & watching TV) gives me the BIGGEST bear hug ever & falls asleep on the right of me, making me pickle in the middle as Chris was on the left, this was also a sign that I would not be going to Target as I had planned. True I could have carried him back to his bed like I had done so many times before, but I don't know what it is with that kid (or really any kid I know) once asleep they gain a good 5 lbs per years they have been on this plant, Plus every time I tired to move him he would make the funniest face & sound. SO I just let him be & snuggled in my new found spot on the bed. I quickly fell asleep until 2:22pm.. I don't know what happened at that time but I woke up and started thinking about the happens over the past 2 years. The Loss of may things but one thing that hit me hardest last night was the loss of my dear Aunt. How she loved the song "On Eagle's wings", the line "He will lift you up on Eagle's wings" just means so much & reminds me how much God loves us and how much he picks/holds us up. So well thinking of her this came into my heart

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong, I just known I had to be. 

 This simple line means so much, I mean is anyone ever asked if the want to be strong, or how strong do you want to be? ... we just know we have to be. I know that not only did I have 1 Amazing God holding me up but I also had 1 crazy little boy, a caring husband, family & friends helping me to stay strong. But I also known I had to stay strong for them so it was a loop of support.

So as I want thought my day today thinking about that line, my Aunt, & everyone in my life I am still in amazed at what has happened.

I pray that everyone can find their own "Support Loop"

I leave you with a song from VBS a few years back that Aiden still loves & I feel fits well in here