What "Relay" means to me"

When I think about the word "relay" I think about cheering on others as it takes a team to run a relay race, everyone has to do their part. Pre-October 2013 when I thought about Relay For Life I looked at it as the one "racing" is the one with Cancer and the "cheering team mates" are those supporting them, making sure THEY could fight "THEIR" battle. But now since joining (the Team no one wants to be part of) "Team Cancer" I have learned that relay is like the two change roles, Cheering team are now the ones running the race and the one with cancer is cheering on their friends & family.

I know personally the 2nd lap of Relay of Life where Chris, Aiden, & my Mom joined me at the Relays I was part of last year was way more more meaning then the first lap were it's just for survivors.

This year I will be leading a team with my friend & Co-Survivor Robyn at Relay for Life of Greater Minneapolis in less then 2 weeks. Our team is called Wonder Twins :) as we are both proud to say we are Hodgkin Lymphoma Survivors. Everyone is welcome to join our little team. True I should have posted this a few weeks ago in hopes of higher team count & money donation but I am so bad at asking people to give up of their money & time for me.

So now I come to you in hopes that Team Wonder Twins can rise from the ground up and help in the fight Cancer, Lets FIND a END!!!!

If you would like to help please click on the link below and I mean it when I say all are welcome to join our team (even if it's only for part of the night).

Be Part of Team Wonder Twins

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong...

STRONG, such a small word for something with such a big meaning. It can mean from being able to lift heavy things to simply being able to smile when your world is falling apart. Last night around 9:45pm as I was about to make a get away to Target (yes the "evil" bulls-eye store, it's so peaceful there at night) ... anyway back to last night. So as I was just thinking about walking out the door Guess who thought it would be a good idea to come to Mommy & Daddy's bed ... YEP Sir little pants :) So he climbed into bed (were I had been planning out my trip in my head & watching TV) gives me the BIGGEST bear hug ever & falls asleep on the right of me, making me pickle in the middle as Chris was on the left, this was also a sign that I would not be going to Target as I had planned. True I could have carried him back to his bed like I had done so many times before, but I don't know what it is with that kid (or really any kid I know) once asleep they gain a good 5 lbs per years they have been on this plant, Plus every time I tired to move him he would make the funniest face & sound. SO I just let him be & snuggled in my new found spot on the bed. I quickly fell asleep until 2:22pm.. I don't know what happened at that time but I woke up and started thinking about the happens over the past 2 years. The Loss of may things but one thing that hit me hardest last night was the loss of my dear Aunt. How she loved the song "On Eagle's wings", the line "He will lift you up on Eagle's wings" just means so much & reminds me how much God loves us and how much he picks/holds us up. So well thinking of her this came into my heart

I was never asked if I wanted to be strong, I just known I had to be. 

 This simple line means so much, I mean is anyone ever asked if the want to be strong, or how strong do you want to be? ... we just know we have to be. I know that not only did I have 1 Amazing God holding me up but I also had 1 crazy little boy, a caring husband, family & friends helping me to stay strong. But I also known I had to stay strong for them so it was a loop of support.

So as I want thought my day today thinking about that line, my Aunt, & everyone in my life I am still in amazed at what has happened.

I pray that everyone can find their own "Support Loop"

I leave you with a song from VBS a few years back that Aiden still loves & I feel fits well in here

The feeling of Guilt

Is it to odd to feel guilty that I am well & others are not? I know I have talked about survivor guilt before and how that is all normal but for some reason just a few moments ago well I was washing my hands I had an overwhelming feeling that I should not be here, I should be ill in a bed or sitting in the chair on the 3^rd floor of the U of M.  Intend I was at my work washing my hand just working & living as nothing happened to me. I am even getting emotional sitting at my desk typing this hoping no one walks over & sees me. It’s been over a year since Treatment has finished & my health has been ok (not super great but better). I am just lost in a fog I don’t know how I will get thought the next few hours. If I could I would love to leave work right now. Then I would go to Aiden & Chris just so I could hold them and maybe that would remind me that everything OK.

God dose work in Crazy ways. So as I am writing this my phone keeps going off saying I have a new Text message. I was kind of ignoring it at first but then when I looked at it I was SHOCKED at what I saw J I had 4 Text saying some one was praying for me. I know I am never fighting alone or Standing alone God has put in army of angels to fight for me and to Stand with me when things get hard.

Lord I pray this simple message will help someone today. To the person who feels alone, Please know you are NEVER alone please know that God is always here & so am I if you need someone to talk with. 

The Gift of Cancer

Ok I know that is  so a odd title but really sometimes (like I have said before) with out going though Cancer I would not be the Person, the Mom, the Wife, the Friend I am now. I really feel that there is a reason for the fight.

Today well at my son's Kindergarten concert/graduation ( I have no clue how he got that old) I over hard another mom who said she was just about to start treatment. I quickly came over & gave her my card (HI if you are reading this, please know I am here if you)  and let her know she is not alone. I also gave her a few quick things I found helpful. After talking to her it gave me even more motivation to gather my thoughts & get "My Story" down on write. My Goal is to have this down before CancerCon next year.

In other news I signed up for my first 5K :) Its called Dirty Girl Mud Run  I have never been a runner so this should be a lot of fun. I plan on doing it with Robyn (plus other we hope) also plan on wearing tutus ;)

So what else is new .... Oh it's been 1 year since I ended chemo .... WHAT!!!! Yep that is right it's been one year. Truthful I thought it would be a bigger party but really it's just another day now.

Wow this post is all over, sorry :) Well below are a few links to places we found helpful.

I can't start anywhere other then a group that has really helped me Stupid Cancer.
Next one is one that really helped our son it's called Kids Konnected they have an amazing books called Moxie to help kids with Cancer.
Even though I didn't need a transplant we still found that the Super Sam Video from Be The Match also helpful for our son to understand.

I am sure there is much I am missing but what I want to leave with those who are reading this with Cancer is that you ARE NOT ALONE, there are many others out there who have gone though what you have done & those who are in the same stage as you. I am always here if you need to talk.

Here is proof you can have hair post Chemo

6 years ago yesterday My world changed forever

I can't believe that 6 years ago yesterday Chris & mine world changed FOREVER. We went from just us to a family. How could we know that the little man joining us would change our world so much.  But then again I guess we should had known what kind of smarty we would in our hands when he spotted updating his Facebook page after being less then a day old.

Maybe it would had been quicker to drive

Getting to CancerCon was way more stress then it was worth but I am happy to report I am here. So it started with our plane being 2 hours late (yippy). Once we were up it was "mostly" smooth sailing until 10:32 (CST) When we started hitting a few bumps but it was not as bad as it could have been, It just takes some time to get used to that feeling again. Around that point in the flight were I really wish I could have fallen asleep but I known that it would had been a bad idea as we are so close to landing. With it being so late I was so happy that a dear family friend will be picking me up so that I don't have to take the van (means I can check in quicker). There were a few kids on the flight but really they are all doing really good, hearing giggles behind me reminds me how much I miss my little man. I know this trip is a good thing it doesn't stop me from missing him & Chris like crazy. Last time I want on a trip like this Next year I think this will be a family trip, true I will miss out on some stuff  but we could still hang out from dinner on & that would only be for 2 nights.

So some random Thoughts from my flight
* Oh the "slow down feeling" is so odd.
* touch screen spells trouble when the ride gets bumpy.
* Bag only weighed 26 lbs ... it really seemed like it was closer to 40 lbs


The drive to the hotel was easy (but LONG) check was almost the same about of time. I guess they were having problems with their keys & 3 people were helping a group of men who all wanted to pay cash I guess (not really sure what was going on) there was 1 guy in front of me who said he was waiting for 30 mins to check in (I kinda believe him as it was really THAT slow). So once I finally made my way to the counter I was greeted by a very nice lady that also said Happy Birthday to me (as my birthday is next week) .

Finding the room was a little of a hike but that's ok(it seems to always happen to me). Once I opened the door to my room I found a sweet Birthday card, bottle of wine, orange, truffles, & some AMAZING strawberries dipped in chocolate. I guess they gave all this to me because I had signed up for the loyalty program when I booked the room.  I want to say I fell in to the bed & passed out but that would be so far from the truth, my mind was racing so much that I ended up only getting a few hours of sleep.

And that is the end of Day 0

TSA agents talking to each other super quietly well pointing to your ID is not always bad..... right?

I will get to the TSA story later, I am still trying to stop my heart from racing :)

Hello world I have not seen in years ... what world is this? you ask,  Well it's the wonders that is the Airport. I have not been though those magical doors in years. I don't know what it is about this place but I just LOVE it (that is odd right).  All the people watching as they rush from place to place, the person who think the food court is a great place for a conference call & those who are like me that could sit & watch people wondering what they are thinking all day.

So I am siting in the food court eating Arby's just watching plans come in & out wondering what/who is aboard knowing all to well that soon I will be on & up in the sky and this part of my travels will be done.

A few cool things that have already happened to me today are:
*When checking in the gate agent said she had checked someone in yesterday who was going to CancerCon also & how she thought it was a super cool event.

So now to the TSA story
(ok this was was a little scary at first, like What did I do, but done worry it's all good)  So I hand my ID & ticket to the TSA security guy and we talk a little bit & he then bumps the guy next to him & shows him my ID (the whole time talking very softly & I am starting to FREAK OUT, seemed like it want on FOREVER ) He then hands my ID & ticket back to me (I am sure he could see my starting to sweat) & say "Our supervisor has the same name as you, you are the 3rd person we have met" (ok that is code for "you can breath now") I replied with "wow really" (I couldn't think straight, if I could I would had come up with something better) So I guess there are 3 of me out there & 1 is a TSA supervisor.... odd.

Ok I am done rambling for now until I hit the Air See you later world

7 days until Cancer nerds Unite

I have to thank a co-worker for that title :)

So I have started this blog post a few days ago but kept getting busy with life so this was put aside, BUT now is the time I will finish this post well on my lunch.

Well as I talked about on my last post I had my 9 month check up test on last Friday & had the follow up apartment on Tuesday. So the results are in & I am in the CLEAR. Is it odd to say that part of me still "feels" sick? or like I still wonder/fear the little evil thing inside of me is still inside of me? I know they say Cancer is like a Monkey on your back, no matter how much the drs & test say you are good you still worry about it will come back at any time.

BUT in OTHER NEWS ....7 days until Cancer nerds Unite at CancerCon 2015 :) I really can't wait to be around others "like me", Other whom have a super power of fighting Cancer, others whom know the pain of being given drugs that hurt a little bit but help a whole lot, other whom know how short life can be, others whom have WON ( and those still fighting), others whom will not wonder what the scare on your chest it for or why your hair is so odd.

Well my lunch is coming end so I guess that means this post will come to a end, I can't say for sure if I will post before I leave but trust me this blog will be getting more activity soon.

Until then God Bless you & whatever comes your way.

9 months post chemo

WOW I can't believe it's been 9 months since I had been sitting in the chemo chair getting pumped with drugs. Since then I am been busy living, I want back to work full time, still as busy as can be at church, and in 2 weeks I will be traveling to Denver for Cancer Con (put on by StupidCancer.org).

I would be lying if I said it's all been sunshine & roses, the road to heath has been a hard one (more emotional then physical). On the outside I look great my hair is coming back (darker then before but that is for a another post), I am able to work full 40 hours (still working on regaining my Focus), I am starting to work out (not like before but close). The part that I am having a hard time with making up for lost time and sometimes when I am in an area with large groups I often feel sad & withdrawn. Case in point this weekend we were at a large Easter Egg Hunt & I known I should be happy and thankful to be alive, but I guess I just sometimes have to fake it (or put on a "happy face" to cover my sadness). I guess this is what they call survivor guilt, I know with time I will get past this & I am hoping that going to CancerCon will help with these feelings.

Well best get going for now , until next time remember You are NEVER alone.