(This post was written almost 2 months ago, but I keep forgetting to post it)
** Warning - this post is heavy with Cancer fears/feelings **
As I sit on the shore of one of the thousands of lakes in MN I am just reminded just how great God is & how amazing of a life I have had (and still have to live). It's 7:30am & almost everyone is still asleep after staying up far past 11pm last night. I am just enjoying the sounds of the birds & even cooler the MN State bird the Loon. Sadly it rained a little bit so I can't go sit on the dock with out getting super wet. As I sit in & enjoy the MN summer sounds I find myself wondering/ thinking "did I ever let the fear of death from cancer ever really hit me when I was in chemo like I fear it now" I feel like the threat is more real now then it was before. Is it because I am more open to the knowledge or is it I was in such a fog that I really didn't even know anything other then what I did (or had do to) every day ... that was LIVE , LIVE for God, Live for Chris, Live for Aiden. I mean truly I lived everyone but not for everyday. I also seemed to live for everyone else but never myself.
So Facebook showed a photo from me of two years ago where I had no hair ... just a little bold girl with my family who loved me so much. I smiled but was a really Happy or was I just smiling to make other feel good? To tell you the truth I really don't remember, it was truly a fog. One that I kinda wish I could remember so that I can help other. Talking about hair I am so happy to do the simple thing of pulling it all back in a ponytail (yes the simple small stuff) but now when I see hair in my brush I have flash back to when I first saw that after I first started to get chemo. The proof was real... It was in my hand I was truly sick.
Now I have been sick my whole life, I always had something off about me but this was different This was truly something the whole world could see not just those that know me or those who had seen my work. It is odd when someone can see you are sick but not really sure why. I mean for most people who known me they would not know my story. The story how I never crawled & because of this I have fewer mussels in my eyes that others, so simply taking notes in class is harder then others. They would not see that I suck at spelling & if it was not for computers with spell check I don't think I would get as far as I have. the fact that I sometimes zone out & it's not that I don't care it's just that my brain needs a little brake & goes off in t's own little happy place.
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I wish I could find a way to end this post but I really don't know what my next thoughts were so instead of making something up I think I will just leave you all hanging :) But know this I am in seeking the help I need to make me feel whole. Part of my healing I am keep mostly to my family but by this time next month I hope to share more about what is going on or should I say were I just was.
For those who are going though Cancer I pray that you will find the help you need in the moment so that you don't feel like you are only living for your family & friends but you can live for yourself.
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