Maybe it would had been quicker to drive

Getting to CancerCon was way more stress then it was worth but I am happy to report I am here. So it started with our plane being 2 hours late (yippy). Once we were up it was "mostly" smooth sailing until 10:32 (CST) When we started hitting a few bumps but it was not as bad as it could have been, It just takes some time to get used to that feeling again. Around that point in the flight were I really wish I could have fallen asleep but I known that it would had been a bad idea as we are so close to landing. With it being so late I was so happy that a dear family friend will be picking me up so that I don't have to take the van (means I can check in quicker). There were a few kids on the flight but really they are all doing really good, hearing giggles behind me reminds me how much I miss my little man. I know this trip is a good thing it doesn't stop me from missing him & Chris like crazy. Last time I want on a trip like this Next year I think this will be a family trip, true I will miss out on some stuff  but we could still hang out from dinner on & that would only be for 2 nights.

So some random Thoughts from my flight
* Oh the "slow down feeling" is so odd.
* touch screen spells trouble when the ride gets bumpy.
* Bag only weighed 26 lbs ... it really seemed like it was closer to 40 lbs


The drive to the hotel was easy (but LONG) check was almost the same about of time. I guess they were having problems with their keys & 3 people were helping a group of men who all wanted to pay cash I guess (not really sure what was going on) there was 1 guy in front of me who said he was waiting for 30 mins to check in (I kinda believe him as it was really THAT slow). So once I finally made my way to the counter I was greeted by a very nice lady that also said Happy Birthday to me (as my birthday is next week) .

Finding the room was a little of a hike but that's ok(it seems to always happen to me). Once I opened the door to my room I found a sweet Birthday card, bottle of wine, orange, truffles, & some AMAZING strawberries dipped in chocolate. I guess they gave all this to me because I had signed up for the loyalty program when I booked the room.  I want to say I fell in to the bed & passed out but that would be so far from the truth, my mind was racing so much that I ended up only getting a few hours of sleep.

And that is the end of Day 0

TSA agents talking to each other super quietly well pointing to your ID is not always bad..... right?

I will get to the TSA story later, I am still trying to stop my heart from racing :)

Hello world I have not seen in years ... what world is this? you ask,  Well it's the wonders that is the Airport. I have not been though those magical doors in years. I don't know what it is about this place but I just LOVE it (that is odd right).  All the people watching as they rush from place to place, the person who think the food court is a great place for a conference call & those who are like me that could sit & watch people wondering what they are thinking all day.

So I am siting in the food court eating Arby's just watching plans come in & out wondering what/who is aboard knowing all to well that soon I will be on & up in the sky and this part of my travels will be done.

A few cool things that have already happened to me today are:
*When checking in the gate agent said she had checked someone in yesterday who was going to CancerCon also & how she thought it was a super cool event.

So now to the TSA story
(ok this was was a little scary at first, like What did I do, but done worry it's all good)  So I hand my ID & ticket to the TSA security guy and we talk a little bit & he then bumps the guy next to him & shows him my ID (the whole time talking very softly & I am starting to FREAK OUT, seemed like it want on FOREVER ) He then hands my ID & ticket back to me (I am sure he could see my starting to sweat) & say "Our supervisor has the same name as you, you are the 3rd person we have met" (ok that is code for "you can breath now") I replied with "wow really" (I couldn't think straight, if I could I would had come up with something better) So I guess there are 3 of me out there & 1 is a TSA supervisor.... odd.

Ok I am done rambling for now until I hit the Air See you later world

7 days until Cancer nerds Unite

I have to thank a co-worker for that title :)

So I have started this blog post a few days ago but kept getting busy with life so this was put aside, BUT now is the time I will finish this post well on my lunch.

Well as I talked about on my last post I had my 9 month check up test on last Friday & had the follow up apartment on Tuesday. So the results are in & I am in the CLEAR. Is it odd to say that part of me still "feels" sick? or like I still wonder/fear the little evil thing inside of me is still inside of me? I know they say Cancer is like a Monkey on your back, no matter how much the drs & test say you are good you still worry about it will come back at any time.

BUT in OTHER NEWS ....7 days until Cancer nerds Unite at CancerCon 2015 :) I really can't wait to be around others "like me", Other whom have a super power of fighting Cancer, others whom know the pain of being given drugs that hurt a little bit but help a whole lot, other whom know how short life can be, others whom have WON ( and those still fighting), others whom will not wonder what the scare on your chest it for or why your hair is so odd.

Well my lunch is coming end so I guess that means this post will come to a end, I can't say for sure if I will post before I leave but trust me this blog will be getting more activity soon.

Until then God Bless you & whatever comes your way.

9 months post chemo

WOW I can't believe it's been 9 months since I had been sitting in the chemo chair getting pumped with drugs. Since then I am been busy living, I want back to work full time, still as busy as can be at church, and in 2 weeks I will be traveling to Denver for Cancer Con (put on by StupidCancer.org).

I would be lying if I said it's all been sunshine & roses, the road to heath has been a hard one (more emotional then physical). On the outside I look great my hair is coming back (darker then before but that is for a another post), I am able to work full 40 hours (still working on regaining my Focus), I am starting to work out (not like before but close). The part that I am having a hard time with making up for lost time and sometimes when I am in an area with large groups I often feel sad & withdrawn. Case in point this weekend we were at a large Easter Egg Hunt & I known I should be happy and thankful to be alive, but I guess I just sometimes have to fake it (or put on a "happy face" to cover my sadness). I guess this is what they call survivor guilt, I know with time I will get past this & I am hoping that going to CancerCon will help with these feelings.

Well best get going for now , until next time remember You are NEVER alone.

so ya I know we have missed a few ... sorry blame Chemo Brain :)

First I want to say how thankful I am for all the LOVE & support we have been given over the past 6 months & I am so happy to say I am almost done :) after next Friday (May 16th) I will say I am done.

I have learned so much from my time with cancer. To some they might have found it as a curse but I almost found it as a very odd blessing. God didn't give me cancer but he sure has shown me how I can take this bad thing & turn it to good for him. I pray that we can find a end to cancer soon (like last year) but I know all good things take time & thankfully I feel we are close real close. I also know that there are many great doctors & nurses fighting hard to find a end. If it was not for my Dr. fighting hard for me my treatment would had been a lot longer, some of my blood counts were low ... aka really really low more then once, one of my infusion nurses even wondered if I was not part of the study if they would have given me the drugs so many times with low counts.  I know God is healing my body and allowing the meds to what they need to do.

I know I should write more but really it's late & other then then "The End is Near" I can't think of what to say ... so I guess I should leave you with some cute photos of ... me :)

This one is titled (thanks to my sweet Mom) "You look like a alien"

Next is a photo from Easter ... yes I did wear the ears for Sunday school 

Here you see my sweet Aiden at our Birthday dinner at Applebee's 

This is Robyn (my Cancer Buddy) & I, after months of talking via Facebook & text we finally able to meet each other in person. I am so blessed to have met her, I will have to make a post about how sweet & great she is but for now I will just say... Robyn You Rock!!!

and for the last photo ... is just a reminder 

Sometimes you have no option but take life's little Detours 

Chemo #6 and the passing of my mother

Friday February 7th marked the halfway point of the chemo treatment and this was one of the shortest trips we had to the Masonic Cancer Center. The blood tests were taken and we got them back quickly (usually something breaks down, or they're busy, etc.) and what they showed was great. Patti's numbers were pretty much all up, her #'s relating to her liver were a tad low which our RN Natalie said warranted keeping an eye on but everything else looked good. The past two treatments we had to have neupogen shots because her neutrophil counts were low or dangerously low but rather being at <1.0, they were at 3.1 which is pretty high considering.

One last thing Natalie wanted to have Patti watch was her weight. She lost 7 lbs which is good for a normal healthy person exercising, eating right and trying to get healthy. It isn't healthy for someone going through chemo. They want patients to keep their weight steady, not only because it marks a healthy and full diet but it also dictates the volume of each drug they give you. Patti has lost somewhere around 40 lbs which the nurses and doctors sort of say good job and sort of scold her for. They kept the amount per drug the same for this visit but they might adjust for the next treatment.

There was a bit of scare from the Infusion level while we were waiting downstairs to be called up. Our nurse Pat's (who would be providing Patti's treatment today) had his first patient suffer a severe allergic reaction. What we heard in the waiting room downstairs was "Code Blue, Infusion Level Pod D" about half a dozen times until they started repeating the message with "Cancel" added to it. It took a chapter or two of reading on my nook before I looked at the clock realized we had been waiting to be called up to the infusion level well after when we should have. I'm not saying this because I was impatient, but because if you have dealt with how efficient they run this cancer center, then you know how unusual it is to wait after your appointment time even with all the other patients there as well.

Guess what? We eventually got called up to Pod D where we wondered if we got the code blue chair from earlier. Nurse Pat couldn't start our chemo treatment so another nurse, Ann, administered the pre-chemo drugs (saline, steroids, etc.). Pat, unfortunately for him, had to fill out paperwork about his patient who suffered the allergic reaction. He told us how much he loved (sarcasm) all the paperwork involved with his job but, he says, it's a necessary evil. While Ann started us off, she informed us that the wait we went through downstairs was due to their software platform 'Epic' crashed on all their computers which sent them back to the stone age with the infusion process (or as we call it: the '80s).

The rest of the time went as usual, Patti got her drugs: Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Dacarbazine (ABVD). Her father, Don, stopped by to see how his daughter was doing. Patti really appreciates that he takes time out of his busy to stop by for a little while to chat almost every time. Don left a little bit before we finished and with our full calendar of chemo treatments, we left. After chemo, Patti and I went home for a bit before I went to the nursing home to see my mom and she ran a few errands before joining me. A few hours later Patti left and came back with Aiden who didn't seemed as nervous being in the room like he was the first time. He did have a scare there, though, when the nurse came in to do a regular check up and was swabbing out my mom's mouth and my mother started choking on the gunk in her throat. Aiden ran to the corner and wrapped a curtain around himself and started whimpering; poor guy. The real fun of the night was promising Aiden Pizza Luce, but going at 7 pm on Friday night meant there was absolutely no parking spots. Lucky for me, we had separate vehicles so I didn't hear Aiden's melt down when he realized we weren't going in. He did calm down when we got to Ruby Tuesday's and had a very delicious dinner.

This is a relatively long post so before we get into the heavy and sad stuff, why
don't you get up and stretch your legs and get a snack!

Saturday was my friend Dustin's bachelor party. It was a very fun night until around 1 am while we were sitting at a bar downtown I got a phone call. I immediately knew who was calling and walked quickly to a 'quiet' area. The nurse, who actually sounded like she was crying, told me my mother had just passed away.

Now to the outward observer, a guy on his phone or shortly thereafter, hands on knees looking down might look kind of funny outside the restroom doors; I knew her death was imminent but the news still hit me like a ton of bricks and for me it was anything but humorous. I didn't cry...A few tears through the next few hours did spring, especially during a situation on the party bus later, but other than that nothing. I realize now that I had made peace with my mother throughout the last week and while I am sad and grieving and miss her a lot and have been replaying memories in my mind over and over, I am over the sobbing and gushing that I had when I first said my goodbyes to her.

I want to say thank you to Brandon, Geoff and Sebastian. I was out of it when I walked back to the table and when I told them, they gave me an awkward (for me haha) but very nice large group hug. I am a hugger during good times, anyone will tell you that, but I don't like showing weakness or emotion other than a bad sense of humor during bad times. I hate showing any emotion to others, and don't expect a huge speech at my mom's memorial because you'd start crying, then I'd start crying and I don't want to pay for the flood damage. But anyways, the hug and their general concern meant the world to me and I just want to say thank you to those guys, they're awesome. I'm not saying the rest of the guys who were at the party aren't awesome, they just weren't there at the time and didn't know the situation.

We got back on the bus and we headed home and I kind of stayed toward the back because one: I was no longer in a partying mood; and two: I didn't want to bring everyone else down. Unfortunately for two people I sort of made them sad later. For the life of me I am horrible with names, (I always have to ask Patti for nurses' names and doctor names to write this blog) so I can't remember this one guy's name from the bachelor party. He noticed I was kind of just staring off into no where and asked what was wrong. I said 'nothing'. Apparently I don't lie well and he said 'Are you doing alright'. So I told him. At first he didn't quite believe me, but after a few minutes he sat down next to me kind of gave me a half hug and kept saying how sorry he was. Quintin, Brandon's brother, also came over and found out the news. So these guys are both comforting me, which sort of made it awkward for me, since I really didn't want to blubber in front of these two and they kept saying to let it out. DANGIT GUYS I don't want to! Thank you guys, you guys really helped and made me smile and feel awkward warm emotions. I did mention I didn't want them to tell Dustin. Sorry Dustin that I didn't tell you in person, but I didn't want to ruin your night.

I don't know what else to say really. My mother was Marilyn Helen Payne (Maiden name Towey). She taught in the Eden Prairie school district for 28 years and left under less than pleasant terms right before she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Through the years following she spiraled downward as the MS advanced. She got fatigued, lost her sense of balance; confined to a chair or wheel chair; forced into the nursing home system right before Christmas one year. Bedridden; blind, and most of the time no reaction to your presence. Patti and I had our legal ceremony at the nursing home so my mom could be involved. We brought our son to meet her when he was a baby but by that time she couldn't see him, I just hope she felt his presence.

This last week we went over there several times, I spent hours in her room playing music for her while I read (seriously, I read like 7 books while I was there). The nursing staff was great and comforting. I learned all about Hospice and about the nature of dying and what signs to look for (that sure was fun). I witnessed my mom stop breathing for a few seconds up to 30 seconds a dozen times before it was explained to me that it was normal during the dying process (I almost had heart attack each time it happened though). Thanks to Hospice and the drugs they gave her, she died peacefully in her room in the middle of the night. Thank you to the staff at the Villa of Saint Louis Park for making her last years, months, days and hours comfortable.

There will be an obituary for her this Wednesday and Sunday (2/12, 2/16 respectively) in the Star Tribune. A Memorial Gathering will be held on March 1st (Saturday) from 2 pm - 4 pm at the Edina Cremation Society Chapel: 7110 France Ave South, Edina MN 55435.

Marilyn Helen Payne

5/12/47 - 2/9/14

66 years old

preceded by James Towey (father), Luverne Towey (mother) and Mike Towey (brother)

survived by Phil (husband), Chris (son), Patti (Daughter in law) and Aiden (grandson)

There are so many things that I could put that she was (mother,daughter,etc) but most of all she was:

LOVED. 

I miss you Mom..

...dangit I'm tearing up again...

“I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.” 

― Mark Twain

Sad? Happy? Guilty much?

I've found out my mother is more than likely going to pass away. It is never a 100% sure thing but we have been told multiple times that it seems to be her time and that she is shutting down.

Patti, Aiden and I went to the nursing home to say goodbye. Aiden even made a wonderful card for her that we placed near her bed. When Patti brought Aiden to her waiting parents in the parking lot I said a long very tearful goodbye to my mom. Even as I write this now my eyes can be seen glittering with water as I think about her. I definitely should have visited more, which could be said of my Great Uncle Leo as well. when he was slowly fading. I wish she could have seen her only grandson be born and grow; to see me graduate college; she missed my sisters' kids growing up and truly meeting Patti's wonderful family. There are so many things that she didn't get to do or see due to Multiple Sclerosis and how it advanced so quickly and now for a second time we are told she won't last long. This time, however, seems to be the real deal and that she could go at any time. 

The next morning, after staying at the nursing home late, I went into work and was immediately told to go home by my fellow manager.What was I to do? I could go back to the nursing home and just stare out the window, check facebook, while I just waited. I could go back home and watch TV. What I could not do was change anything about what will happen to my mom. No one knows when she will die, they only THINK, they are using educated guessing that it will be really soon. I trust the doctors and nurses and the fact they wouldn't do this without being convinced but it's still a situation that I cannot control.

Which brings me to my point which I was stressing over all day yesterday morning and ever since Patti was diagnosed with cancer:

Should I be feeling guilty?

I think any loved one goes through this when a friend or family member goes through something traumatic. Whether a serious injury, disease, or death. How grieved should you look? Should you constantly go around looking morose? Should you have a stiff upper look and a smile on your face? Should you appear dazed and out of it?

I have gone through all of these emotions. I have looked sad, I have looked happy, I have looked tired and stressed out, sometimes everything throughout the day. With each one I think: Do other people think I'm faking? Over doing it? Not showing enough emotion? 

With the cancer and the current chemo treatments I have had a very odd schedule due to helping out Patti through the treatments and following side effects. Now I will probably take time off if and when my mother dies. Another guilty feeling arises when I think about leaving my coworkers short. I know all of them will call me an idiot and tell me I should take time to grieve, etc, etc, etc. That is the kind of wonderful fellow employees and friends that they are. Still nothing overrides the sub-conscious when it's on a guilt trip.

This blog is about Patti and what she is going through. Rightfully so, with the cancer, the treatments, the side effects and her daily life being interrupted, abused and thrown into a loop. But what of the spouses, the friends, and family members that can do nothing for the person who is sick, hurt or even dying. All they can do is say "I love you," give a hug and a kiss and pray that everything will be alright. Their emotions can sometimes be overwhelming, their daily life can be thrown through a loop but they have to swallow it down for the most part and be strong and supportive.

I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, this is not a slight against people who do, it is just who I am. My emotions are wrapped up in a cocoon of bravado and sarcasm. That being said, I absolutely lost it sitting next to my mother's bed, holding her hand and telling her goodbye. I think I used up almost all the tissue in the room. I did the same thing after we found out that Patti had Stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma, after I was alone of course.  

As I am writing this, I just got a call from the nursing home saying that my mom's time is very near, she didn't take her pills for the first time ever and that they are increasing the pain medication. For the second time in two days I'm losing it and typing this through tears. 

The ending will seem a little broken to this post, I wrote it before I got the call...just go with it...

Another guilty thought. This post is emo, it's full of self pitying statements and you just want to turn off all the lights and listen to this song while reading it. 

I know my nephew Hunter would probably agree: writing is good therapy! It helps to put my thoughts to paper...or blog...dear diary and all that stuff; it unloads weight from shoulders and it can lighten heavy hearts. 

Love you all!