Patti, Aiden and I went to the nursing home to say goodbye. Aiden even made a wonderful card for her that we placed near her bed. When Patti brought Aiden to her waiting parents in the parking lot I said a long very tearful goodbye to my mom. Even as I write this now my eyes can be seen glittering with water as I think about her. I definitely should have visited more, which could be said of my Great Uncle Leo as well. when he was slowly fading. I wish she could have seen her only grandson be born and grow; to see me graduate college; she missed my sisters' kids growing up and truly meeting Patti's wonderful family. There are so many things that she didn't get to do or see due to Multiple Sclerosis and how it advanced so quickly and now for a second time we are told she won't last long. This time, however, seems to be the real deal and that she could go at any time.
The next morning, after staying at the nursing home late, I went into work and was immediately told to go home by my fellow manager.What was I to do? I could go back to the nursing home and just stare out the window, check facebook, while I just waited. I could go back home and watch TV. What I could not do was change anything about what will happen to my mom. No one knows when she will die, they only THINK, they are using educated guessing that it will be really soon. I trust the doctors and nurses and the fact they wouldn't do this without being convinced but it's still a situation that I cannot control.
Which brings me to my point which I was stressing over all day yesterday morning and ever since Patti was diagnosed with cancer:
Should I be feeling guilty?
I think any loved one goes through this when a friend or family member goes through something traumatic. Whether a serious injury, disease, or death. How grieved should you look? Should you constantly go around looking morose? Should you have a stiff upper look and a smile on your face? Should you appear dazed and out of it?
I have gone through all of these emotions. I have looked sad, I have looked happy, I have looked tired and stressed out, sometimes everything throughout the day. With each one I think: Do other people think I'm faking? Over doing it? Not showing enough emotion?
With the cancer and the current chemo treatments I have had a very odd schedule due to helping out Patti through the treatments and following side effects. Now I will probably take time off if and when my mother dies. Another guilty feeling arises when I think about leaving my coworkers short. I know all of them will call me an idiot and tell me I should take time to grieve, etc, etc, etc. That is the kind of wonderful fellow employees and friends that they are. Still nothing overrides the sub-conscious when it's on a guilt trip.
This blog is about Patti and what she is going through. Rightfully so, with the cancer, the treatments, the side effects and her daily life being interrupted, abused and thrown into a loop. But what of the spouses, the friends, and family members that can do nothing for the person who is sick, hurt or even dying. All they can do is say "I love you," give a hug and a kiss and pray that everything will be alright. Their emotions can sometimes be overwhelming, their daily life can be thrown through a loop but they have to swallow it down for the most part and be strong and supportive.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, this is not a slight against people who do, it is just who I am. My emotions are wrapped up in a cocoon of bravado and sarcasm. That being said, I absolutely lost it sitting next to my mother's bed, holding her hand and telling her goodbye. I think I used up almost all the tissue in the room. I did the same thing after we found out that Patti had Stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma, after I was alone of course.
As I am writing this, I just got a call from the nursing home saying that my mom's time is very near, she didn't take her pills for the first time ever and that they are increasing the pain medication. For the second time in two days I'm losing it and typing this through tears.
The ending will seem a little broken to this post, I wrote it before I got the call...just go with it...
Another guilty thought. This post is emo, it's full of self pitying statements and you just want to turn off all the lights and listen to this song while reading it.
I know my nephew Hunter would probably agree: writing is good therapy! It helps to put my thoughts to paper...or blog...dear diary and all that stuff; it unloads weight from shoulders and it can lighten heavy hearts.
Love you all!
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