Chemo #6 and the passing of my mother

Friday February 7th marked the halfway point of the chemo treatment and this was one of the shortest trips we had to the Masonic Cancer Center. The blood tests were taken and we got them back quickly (usually something breaks down, or they're busy, etc.) and what they showed was great. Patti's numbers were pretty much all up, her #'s relating to her liver were a tad low which our RN Natalie said warranted keeping an eye on but everything else looked good. The past two treatments we had to have neupogen shots because her neutrophil counts were low or dangerously low but rather being at <1.0, they were at 3.1 which is pretty high considering.

One last thing Natalie wanted to have Patti watch was her weight. She lost 7 lbs which is good for a normal healthy person exercising, eating right and trying to get healthy. It isn't healthy for someone going through chemo. They want patients to keep their weight steady, not only because it marks a healthy and full diet but it also dictates the volume of each drug they give you. Patti has lost somewhere around 40 lbs which the nurses and doctors sort of say good job and sort of scold her for. They kept the amount per drug the same for this visit but they might adjust for the next treatment.

There was a bit of scare from the Infusion level while we were waiting downstairs to be called up. Our nurse Pat's (who would be providing Patti's treatment today) had his first patient suffer a severe allergic reaction. What we heard in the waiting room downstairs was "Code Blue, Infusion Level Pod D" about half a dozen times until they started repeating the message with "Cancel" added to it. It took a chapter or two of reading on my nook before I looked at the clock realized we had been waiting to be called up to the infusion level well after when we should have. I'm not saying this because I was impatient, but because if you have dealt with how efficient they run this cancer center, then you know how unusual it is to wait after your appointment time even with all the other patients there as well.

Guess what? We eventually got called up to Pod D where we wondered if we got the code blue chair from earlier. Nurse Pat couldn't start our chemo treatment so another nurse, Ann, administered the pre-chemo drugs (saline, steroids, etc.). Pat, unfortunately for him, had to fill out paperwork about his patient who suffered the allergic reaction. He told us how much he loved (sarcasm) all the paperwork involved with his job but, he says, it's a necessary evil. While Ann started us off, she informed us that the wait we went through downstairs was due to their software platform 'Epic' crashed on all their computers which sent them back to the stone age with the infusion process (or as we call it: the '80s).

The rest of the time went as usual, Patti got her drugs: Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Dacarbazine (ABVD). Her father, Don, stopped by to see how his daughter was doing. Patti really appreciates that he takes time out of his busy to stop by for a little while to chat almost every time. Don left a little bit before we finished and with our full calendar of chemo treatments, we left. After chemo, Patti and I went home for a bit before I went to the nursing home to see my mom and she ran a few errands before joining me. A few hours later Patti left and came back with Aiden who didn't seemed as nervous being in the room like he was the first time. He did have a scare there, though, when the nurse came in to do a regular check up and was swabbing out my mom's mouth and my mother started choking on the gunk in her throat. Aiden ran to the corner and wrapped a curtain around himself and started whimpering; poor guy. The real fun of the night was promising Aiden Pizza Luce, but going at 7 pm on Friday night meant there was absolutely no parking spots. Lucky for me, we had separate vehicles so I didn't hear Aiden's melt down when he realized we weren't going in. He did calm down when we got to Ruby Tuesday's and had a very delicious dinner.

This is a relatively long post so before we get into the heavy and sad stuff, why
don't you get up and stretch your legs and get a snack!

Saturday was my friend Dustin's bachelor party. It was a very fun night until around 1 am while we were sitting at a bar downtown I got a phone call. I immediately knew who was calling and walked quickly to a 'quiet' area. The nurse, who actually sounded like she was crying, told me my mother had just passed away.

Now to the outward observer, a guy on his phone or shortly thereafter, hands on knees looking down might look kind of funny outside the restroom doors; I knew her death was imminent but the news still hit me like a ton of bricks and for me it was anything but humorous. I didn't cry...A few tears through the next few hours did spring, especially during a situation on the party bus later, but other than that nothing. I realize now that I had made peace with my mother throughout the last week and while I am sad and grieving and miss her a lot and have been replaying memories in my mind over and over, I am over the sobbing and gushing that I had when I first said my goodbyes to her.

I want to say thank you to Brandon, Geoff and Sebastian. I was out of it when I walked back to the table and when I told them, they gave me an awkward (for me haha) but very nice large group hug. I am a hugger during good times, anyone will tell you that, but I don't like showing weakness or emotion other than a bad sense of humor during bad times. I hate showing any emotion to others, and don't expect a huge speech at my mom's memorial because you'd start crying, then I'd start crying and I don't want to pay for the flood damage. But anyways, the hug and their general concern meant the world to me and I just want to say thank you to those guys, they're awesome. I'm not saying the rest of the guys who were at the party aren't awesome, they just weren't there at the time and didn't know the situation.

We got back on the bus and we headed home and I kind of stayed toward the back because one: I was no longer in a partying mood; and two: I didn't want to bring everyone else down. Unfortunately for two people I sort of made them sad later. For the life of me I am horrible with names, (I always have to ask Patti for nurses' names and doctor names to write this blog) so I can't remember this one guy's name from the bachelor party. He noticed I was kind of just staring off into no where and asked what was wrong. I said 'nothing'. Apparently I don't lie well and he said 'Are you doing alright'. So I told him. At first he didn't quite believe me, but after a few minutes he sat down next to me kind of gave me a half hug and kept saying how sorry he was. Quintin, Brandon's brother, also came over and found out the news. So these guys are both comforting me, which sort of made it awkward for me, since I really didn't want to blubber in front of these two and they kept saying to let it out. DANGIT GUYS I don't want to! Thank you guys, you guys really helped and made me smile and feel awkward warm emotions. I did mention I didn't want them to tell Dustin. Sorry Dustin that I didn't tell you in person, but I didn't want to ruin your night.

I don't know what else to say really. My mother was Marilyn Helen Payne (Maiden name Towey). She taught in the Eden Prairie school district for 28 years and left under less than pleasant terms right before she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Through the years following she spiraled downward as the MS advanced. She got fatigued, lost her sense of balance; confined to a chair or wheel chair; forced into the nursing home system right before Christmas one year. Bedridden; blind, and most of the time no reaction to your presence. Patti and I had our legal ceremony at the nursing home so my mom could be involved. We brought our son to meet her when he was a baby but by that time she couldn't see him, I just hope she felt his presence.

This last week we went over there several times, I spent hours in her room playing music for her while I read (seriously, I read like 7 books while I was there). The nursing staff was great and comforting. I learned all about Hospice and about the nature of dying and what signs to look for (that sure was fun). I witnessed my mom stop breathing for a few seconds up to 30 seconds a dozen times before it was explained to me that it was normal during the dying process (I almost had heart attack each time it happened though). Thanks to Hospice and the drugs they gave her, she died peacefully in her room in the middle of the night. Thank you to the staff at the Villa of Saint Louis Park for making her last years, months, days and hours comfortable.

There will be an obituary for her this Wednesday and Sunday (2/12, 2/16 respectively) in the Star Tribune. A Memorial Gathering will be held on March 1st (Saturday) from 2 pm - 4 pm at the Edina Cremation Society Chapel: 7110 France Ave South, Edina MN 55435.

Marilyn Helen Payne

5/12/47 - 2/9/14

66 years old

preceded by James Towey (father), Luverne Towey (mother) and Mike Towey (brother)

survived by Phil (husband), Chris (son), Patti (Daughter in law) and Aiden (grandson)

There are so many things that I could put that she was (mother,daughter,etc) but most of all she was:

LOVED. 

I miss you Mom..

...dangit I'm tearing up again...

“I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.” 

― Mark Twain

Sad? Happy? Guilty much?

I've found out my mother is more than likely going to pass away. It is never a 100% sure thing but we have been told multiple times that it seems to be her time and that she is shutting down.

Patti, Aiden and I went to the nursing home to say goodbye. Aiden even made a wonderful card for her that we placed near her bed. When Patti brought Aiden to her waiting parents in the parking lot I said a long very tearful goodbye to my mom. Even as I write this now my eyes can be seen glittering with water as I think about her. I definitely should have visited more, which could be said of my Great Uncle Leo as well. when he was slowly fading. I wish she could have seen her only grandson be born and grow; to see me graduate college; she missed my sisters' kids growing up and truly meeting Patti's wonderful family. There are so many things that she didn't get to do or see due to Multiple Sclerosis and how it advanced so quickly and now for a second time we are told she won't last long. This time, however, seems to be the real deal and that she could go at any time. 

The next morning, after staying at the nursing home late, I went into work and was immediately told to go home by my fellow manager.What was I to do? I could go back to the nursing home and just stare out the window, check facebook, while I just waited. I could go back home and watch TV. What I could not do was change anything about what will happen to my mom. No one knows when she will die, they only THINK, they are using educated guessing that it will be really soon. I trust the doctors and nurses and the fact they wouldn't do this without being convinced but it's still a situation that I cannot control.

Which brings me to my point which I was stressing over all day yesterday morning and ever since Patti was diagnosed with cancer:

Should I be feeling guilty?

I think any loved one goes through this when a friend or family member goes through something traumatic. Whether a serious injury, disease, or death. How grieved should you look? Should you constantly go around looking morose? Should you have a stiff upper look and a smile on your face? Should you appear dazed and out of it?

I have gone through all of these emotions. I have looked sad, I have looked happy, I have looked tired and stressed out, sometimes everything throughout the day. With each one I think: Do other people think I'm faking? Over doing it? Not showing enough emotion? 

With the cancer and the current chemo treatments I have had a very odd schedule due to helping out Patti through the treatments and following side effects. Now I will probably take time off if and when my mother dies. Another guilty feeling arises when I think about leaving my coworkers short. I know all of them will call me an idiot and tell me I should take time to grieve, etc, etc, etc. That is the kind of wonderful fellow employees and friends that they are. Still nothing overrides the sub-conscious when it's on a guilt trip.

This blog is about Patti and what she is going through. Rightfully so, with the cancer, the treatments, the side effects and her daily life being interrupted, abused and thrown into a loop. But what of the spouses, the friends, and family members that can do nothing for the person who is sick, hurt or even dying. All they can do is say "I love you," give a hug and a kiss and pray that everything will be alright. Their emotions can sometimes be overwhelming, their daily life can be thrown through a loop but they have to swallow it down for the most part and be strong and supportive.

I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, this is not a slight against people who do, it is just who I am. My emotions are wrapped up in a cocoon of bravado and sarcasm. That being said, I absolutely lost it sitting next to my mother's bed, holding her hand and telling her goodbye. I think I used up almost all the tissue in the room. I did the same thing after we found out that Patti had Stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma, after I was alone of course.  

As I am writing this, I just got a call from the nursing home saying that my mom's time is very near, she didn't take her pills for the first time ever and that they are increasing the pain medication. For the second time in two days I'm losing it and typing this through tears. 

The ending will seem a little broken to this post, I wrote it before I got the call...just go with it...

Another guilty thought. This post is emo, it's full of self pitying statements and you just want to turn off all the lights and listen to this song while reading it. 

I know my nephew Hunter would probably agree: writing is good therapy! It helps to put my thoughts to paper...or blog...dear diary and all that stuff; it unloads weight from shoulders and it can lighten heavy hearts. 

Love you all!