Fear

Hi everyone, yep it's me Patti this time. I first want to start out by saying how much I LOVE you all & how I feel your support & prayers everyday. I have been meaning to post on here but when I would want to do it Chris would be using the computer ... so I blame him for this taking so long to get posted :)

But what is on my mind tonight & why I am posting this at 4am in the morning ... yes I know I know I should be sleeping but my body hates me right now & will only let me sleep so much. So after the first Chemo last week everything was going great & I thought to my self "wow this is going to be easy" but now a week later my body hurts I don't have my "normal" zest for life that I am so used to having. I tried going to work yesterday but after 2 hours I was done  left around 1:30 only to go home & sleep. I am going to try work again today but who knows if I will make a full day or only a part day again. I feel like only doing a half day I let Cancer win .. but if I push myself to far I am also letting Cancer win, so I guess it's a no win for me.

So why did I title this post Fear? well its because I am very fearful of what could happen. Fearful for Aiden, Fearful for Chris, Fearful for my Parents, Fearful of my family & Friends. What if HL takes me out? I am a very strong person who is (sometimes) great at hiding how I am feeling (those who watch closely will know my laugh changes under stress & as Chris puts it I have a "fake smile" that shows when things are hard) but I fear the person I will become when I can't be my normal peepie self, with the real Patti ever come back? I just want to be able to enjoy life how I once did. Sing my lungs out at church with hands lifted High.

I know live gets hard sometimes but why is it once something great happens in my life it's always followed by something not so great.

Ok I am going to try to get some more sleep before starting another day.

I leave you in Gods Peace & LOVE